99 Dollars (99 Problems)


A parody of a song by Jay-Z.  Recorded by Jason Fuse in Los Angeles
Recorded: 07/10/2015  Released: 07/10/2015  First aired: unaired
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I got the idea when Nigel talked about a $99 dinner special at the Palm (might have been for 2 people) and then filled in the info from various sources - ultimately ending up doing research on the Palm website for the history and photos of people that have been there. All of this is accurate according to their website.

This one is so far beyond ridiculous that I cannot even look back and see the line...

If you're having meal problems I feel bad for you son
I paid 99 dollars for a meal at The Palm

Back in last century up in NYC
Started out with Pio Bozzi and John Ganzi
Originally - they named it Parma, like where they're from
But their Italian accents made it sound like "Palm"
They got their steaks from a butcher by running up the streets
Reputation during the war for high quality beef
The skyscraper crowd offered them big money to leave
But their spot meant more to them than straight cash - homies
Original location, 3 generation history
Where they always treat their guests like they're true family
Then In '72 they opened up in DC
Thanks to George Bush Sr at least partially
Now they got a dot-com, doing it with aplomb
From the west out in Cali back to NYC One
I heard the one in ATL is really the bomb
So I'll pay 99 dollars for a meal at the Palm

99 dollars for a meal at the Palm
If you having lunch problems I feel bad for you son
I paid 99 dollars for a meal at the Palm

Tommy might be there to welcome you inside
Kj and Mandy went after PTI
They've hosted Cliff from Cheers and Tenacious D
Plus the ubiquitous Snoop D O double G
They've had 2 Hulks - Hogan and Ferrigno
Along with Bon Jovi, Bono, and Sheryl Crow
Timbaland autographed one of the walls
But he ain't never had a beat to match this one ya'll
Get a classic Caesar or the mixed green salad
Did I mention the Lobster Bisque? You won't yada yada yada it
A giant steak for an Alaskan woman looking for light son
Be like Don King and 'Mithigan Man' Mike Tyson
You might see a group picture with Dolly Parton
Or a couple other big boobs - Kornheiser and Wilbon
They've hosted George Clooney, And also Bill Clinton
Even Nigel has been, I mean it's less than a Benjamin
While you're there look around for Tony and Bubes
At a table? No. At a back booth? Yes!
The newest one opened up out in Beverly Hills
Like Liam Neesons from Taken, they got a special set of skills
You need to go, like ScarJo - It's part of the EJIPT, So
All you Littles get there, it ain't a lot of dough
And If you spot Larry King choking on a crouton
That's his 99 dollars for a meal at the Palm.

99 dollars for a meal at the Palm
If you having meal problems I done told you son
It's 99 dollars for a meal at the Palm

Parody of "99 Problems" by Jay-Z

Related Jingles

Workin' My Way Back to You by Brad Weiss
I'm Gonna Eat a Dorito (In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida) by Jason Fuse
Stars (Wilbon's Story) by Jason Fuse
Gary's Mailbag a cappella cover by Jason Fuse
House of the Rising Carville by Qiyu Liu

Join the conversation

Your Name
jarad2112 in Washington, DC
Awesome job Jason! I love the Seinfeld reference!
755 days ago.
judofuse in Atlanta
Thanks! I actually love the beat to the instrumental version of this song, so all credit to it. And Kj - you ARE one of the big wigs around these parts. :)
763 days ago.
John Fitzpatrick in Arlington, VA
So much coolness here. You should be comped next time in. Extra points for outside the show research!
768 days ago.
joeythejammer in Ellicott City, MD
769 days ago.
Mike from Somerville
769 days ago.
Kj Ohnstad in Red Wing, MN
Incredibly great! Thanks for the s/o and BEFORE the big wigs, no less :)
772 days ago.
Brad Weiss in Williamsburg, VA
Here comes the Mithigan Man!! Too funny. Well, not TOO funny, but full of all the right stuff.
772 days ago.
Hampton Nager in Dallas, TX
Fantastic, Judo... set up the rendez-vous now for our table for 6.
772 days ago.
rob in Pittsburgh, PA
this is unbelievably great. too many great things to list but "aplomb" ...brilliant word choice.
772 days ago.